Rooted

I recently had an introductory conversation with a head-hauncho who joined our firm. What was supposed to be a quick get-to-know-each-other chat, quickly revealed a personal bombshell about myself. I’ve also noticed my increased tendency to revealed something personal to anyone who will listen. As if, I’ve been waiting to unburden myself. He sat and listened, attentively, knowing that what I was saying signified an uneasiness in both my professional and personal life. While there was nothing he could say nor do, he did mention something that stuck with me.

He hinted that a sense of belonging is important and what every company wants from their employees. At our recent staff retreat, we were made aware of the importance for employees to feel a sense of belonging and purpose at work, which results in them being more productive at work. And I think this extends to being a productive human. When we feel a sense of belonging, whether it’s to family, friends, lovers, movements, work, causes, etc. it makes us strive to something, and feel like fuller more productive members of society.

As I replayed the conversation in my head later that day and throughout that week, I realized my revelation had more to do with my current state of mind. I had somehow convinced myself I never cared about belonging to anyone or to any place. My childhood consisted of bouncing around countries, hopping from school to school and I was grateful for the experiences and prided myself in my ability to adapt to any situation. It made me confident in social situations, constantly making new friends, more tolerant and open to differences.

But what I’ve found myself thirsting for in recent years is a sense of rooted-ness. To belong to someone or to something or some place. I’ve always felt a pull to be a part of a movement, something bigger. I’ve always drowned myself in any serious relationship I found myself in. When there was some slight sense of feeling rooted, I packed my bags and buckled up for the long haul. Only to be broken into pieces when I found myself unattached.

Don’t get me wrong, I love and enjoy solitude. I think every human needs to get more comfortable being alone with themselves. And I feel my expectation to keep bouncing and country-hopping kind of helps reorient me to new friends, experiences and relationships every time I find myself in an empty rut. I enthusiastically departed on a 14-day solo adventure to Costa Rica, a 10-day roadtrip with a stranger to Switzerland, a week-long staycation full of new things to try in Toronto and a multitude of events I’ve attended by myself.

But what it didn’t prepare me for was prolonged periods of solitude - the fear of never finding something meaningful, whether a person, movement, friendships, hobbies, work, etc. It’s when this fear takes over, that things tend to go dark. Worry-coloured clouds set in and make me wonder if I'll ever truly belong to a city, a person, a job, a movement? And this is probably the best wake up call to find a way to root myself and figure out what it is that I want before I can go out and get it. Maybe now is the journey to building roots and not yet feeling rooted.

2018 saw two blog posts - a post that started the year and this one that will end it. I realize now that it was quite a roller coaster of a year.